I feel so extremely lucky to be able to share these photos of my baby and pregnant belly on this day after Mother’s day. As much as these last 8 months have been full of excitement and joy and thankfulness, I am still experiencing so much sadness and heartache for what the last two and half years looked like for us and what it still looks like for many others.
The last two years I’ve taken a series of photos documenting me in a rocking chair explaining our situation and grief. The first time I posted, I had just found out I was pregnant for the third time but didn’t know my uterus condition and went on to miscarry again just a month later. And the second time, that next year, I was just about to get surgery in hopes of being able to carry a baby naturally. And now a year later, I am finally getting to sit in that rocking chair with a baby in my belly.
It’s so surreal…
To be honest, last summer after the surgery, that’s when shit hit the fan. Shame and guilt crept in and a lot of my hope was lost. I can’t really go into detail but I was in a bad place. I have always been a huge advocate of letting go and submitting control to God. And when you finally do, THAT is when it happens for you. I’ve seen it so evidently in my life. One example, when I finally let go of wanting or needing a husband, I met Lindsey. And I’ve always thought, God will bless me when I finally come to terms with my reality and make peace with it… well it was different this time. I was not at peace with my reality. I was mad, angry, hopeless, helpless, an utter mess and completely my ugliest self. I was so triggered and upset and neurotic. God bless my amazing husband & friends who got me through and talked me through the hardest point in my life.
I share all this because sometimes, things happen for you when you are at your lowest point and you don’t deserve it. There is hope in that place too. I really feel like instead of God releasing this pregnancy to me, he took pity on me. He looked at me and thought, she needs this to get through this next year. Of course I see it as a blessing, but even that word “blessing” is hard for me to say - that God “blessed” me, and he isn’t blessing any of my other friends that are in the thick of it and still struggling with miscarriage and infertility and loss. Saying that he blessed me actually makes me mad at Him and maybe I still should be, and maybe I still am… but I know He can take it and that’s why I still have faith in Him.
This isn’t a post to share all the ways God has failed me or how he’s failing all the others in my life struggling with infertility, and cancer, mental illness and financial woes - it’s to share that even at my lowest and ugliest point, God could handle it. He was there with me through it all. And he let me be that way and really experience what it feels to be so hopeless and lost. And I don’t know why he picked me, and gave me this successful pregnancy so far… maybe to share this all with you today… but I am so thankful for his timing and I only hope & pray those of you still struggling, your time is next. And even if it’s not, your life and feelings are still valid and you’re not alone.
When do we consider a baby a baby? And when do we consider a woman a mother? I have thoughts.
And the Lord does too - to be honest, the only way I've gotten through this time without really running away from God is that He has shown me in so many ways how much he values the barren woman, the woman struggling with the deep desire for a baby, and miraculous birth. Just read his word, there are so many stories that have softened my heart and given me peace.
Happy Mother’s day to all the women out there that have babies, have lost babies and want babies…
You are all Mothers in my eyes.
