I am 25 weeks pregnant...
I really don’t know what to say. It’s been so hard for me to put it all in words - summarize the last year of our lives into something simple and neat. This has been the hardest year of my life, moving across the country, away from everything we knew, away from our security and community and comfort people to a new place with new jobs and new people and new scenery and very new, very real challenges. From not knowing if the move was worth it to processing if I would ever be able to bear my own children and dealing with shame - something I never really knew before. Turns out, it was very worth it. Now I am here, 6 months pregnant, excited and very scared.
I had surgery (to “correct” my abnormal uterus) last June and to be honest, the mental challenges didn’t really begin until after. I felt almost like what if didn’t work and my body just isn’t hospitable and we just spent so much money trying to fix something that would always be broken. I was really trying to come to terms with what might be my reality and swallow that big planet sized pill.
We actually found out October 15th - the day of pregnancy and infancy loss awareness - the day we lit three candles for our three babies we have lost along the way. All of the excitement and joy came with very real fear. The first trimester was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. Not so much physically, more so emotionally. I was constantly waiting for something to go wrong, and really not until the last few weeks, not until I’ve been able to feel her, have I been able to go an hour without thinking about what “could happen”. Cause really, anything could… still. But I am so deeply thankful for the peace and comfort I feel in just one tiny kick here and there.
I am so thankful for the people around me who have prayed with me, cried with me, and really just sat with me in my grief. In OUR grief. My husband Lindsey has been the most amazing and beautiful partner. Someone asked me the other day how I feel like I made it through this challenging time, and a HUGE reason I can even stand on my own two feet today is because of him. His patience, love, empathy and encouragement kept me going. Not only that, but he continued to point me to something bigger. He made me remember my faith. And if I learned anything through this whole thing, it’s that God cares about me and my situation. He cares about the barren women, the women struggling with infertility, and he cares about miraculous births. And let’s face it, every pregnancy and every birth is miraculous.
As much as I am overjoyed with a healthy baby at the moment, I will never forget and still deeply feel the sorrow I have known through out these last 2 and half years. I have been so blessed and encouraged by you all and have made real connections with the women and men struggling with parenthood in this community. & I understand and know too well, with joy for some there is also sorrow for others.
Two things can be true at the same time.
xx
Below is an excerpt from a poem that my dear sis Adria wrote...
I wanted to share because I have clung to it so much in this last season, dealing with new life, hope, shame and fear all at the same time. Even if you are not a Christian, it is such a beautiful poem that should be read and to me, knowing that the Lord cares about me is one of the ways I made it through these last few years:
“…Truly I am met by Love.
Love Himself
Love Incarnate.
Made manifest for my sake
for my saving,
not for my condemning
never
once
was I condemned.
Lord,
you are colour
and nuance
and harmony.
You impart passion
and you create.
Yes, you create.
You are not stagnant.
Yes, your heart, it’s mobile.
“The unmoved mover,” reflects the jaded shadow of my own unmoved self.
You are mobile.
Dancing through the hallways of every lost and broken heart,
even mine,
beckoning attention
by way of sweet peas,
and a cool breeze,
and oak trees,
and these
and these
and these.
Yes, your heart.
Mobile.
Moving.
To be moved,
again and again.
The Moved Mover:
Ever present, ever available.
Before me, beside me, within me, goodness and mercy behind me.
Never once has he left me."